I am a Mom

I am a Mom and my heart will break a hundred times over just because I choose over 8 years ago to be a Mom.

Today is no exception. Alan and I thought maybe we had gotten somewhere and that maybe Peter would be o.k. with school and this change in life. Of course it had only been a week, and we had let our hopes take us to lofty places. This morning Peter decided that he wasn't going to school and that he didn't like it (a short lived education). After we finally got ready and went out the door he burst into tears.

What to do.........I have a 3rd grader who is basically running so that she can go to school and a kindergartner who wants nothing to do with school. I am a Mom.........I have resources and reserves for occasions just like today.

Well, after walking 3 houses down from ours Peter sat down and told me he wasn't going to school. At which point I saw the bus pull up. Frustrated that we still had a ways to walk and the bus was already there, I called Hannah back and drove them to school. We walked onto the school property, with Peter still crying, and then he refused to move again. What could I do? I tried kindness, I tried reason, I tried strictness, I tried guilt, I tried bribing...I was out of ideas. I left him standing by some tree and walked over to where Hannah was standing in line waiting to go into school, I took her hand and she started to cry. Of course that opened my flood gates and I started to cry. I just wanted to take both of them home and go back to bed. How could this day be any good?

I am the Mom........I had to be strong and enforce something that I didn't want to.

I kissed Hannah, sent her inside to class, and went back for Peter. I held him for a long moment, letting him continue to cry as I struggled to contain my emotions. We stood up, walked a little bit more until he stopped again, I picked him up and walked to the school entrance. It was actually funny because Peter was crying on one side of the door and there was a little girl crying on the other side. I thought, "At least he is not the only one!"

We finally made it outside of his classroom door, he was still crying. His teacher came out to greet him to only have him cling more and to have him cry even harder. I unpacked his bag and tried to get him to go in to his class, but he would hear none of it and even tried to escape out the side door. (I thought it was a good idea and was ready to go with him.)

What a scene he was making! I am not one that really likes to draw attention to myself, but I am a Mom....... who has to act like I could care less!

The last bell had rung, Peter was still crying and I was going to cry any second. One of the school counselors came and asked if I needed any help. (She had seen the whole thing) She tried to talk to him and he wasn't exactly thrilled by this third party. She looked at me and said, "Maybe it's best if you leave." I could not have agreed more at that moment. I hugged him, kissed him, told him I loved him and almost ran out of the school as tears were streaming down my face.

What else could I do? What else could I say? All I wanted to do was take him home and read him stories and let him play, but then what would tomorrow be like or the next day. If I gave in once, he would know how weak I am.......I believe that eventually he will learn to work the system, he's a smart kid. Till that day, I will have to think one step ahead of a 5-year-old, but also by then my emotions might be in check so it will be easier to handle.

As a Mom why do I have to enforce the rules? Why do I have to be the strong one? As a Mom why am I expected to make everything better and to make all the hurt go away? As a Mom how come there are things that I have to do everyday that I don't want to? Just another moment in time, just another heart break.

The worst part is that he comes home as happy as can be. It's all just a show for Mom!